Don’t Say YES when you want to say NO

Many of us would have had the dilemma to let down a request to do something you honestly don’t have any time to do it. The request might have come from your friend, colleague, neighbor, or a relative. Even if you don’t have time to do them, you are not willing to say a NO, but by saying so, you feel you are letting them down.

You feel GUILTY already, and you haven't even responded yet! So you say, "Sure," even though doing so is going to put you under tremendous stress and PRESSURE. You know that you will probably end up resenting this activity, and maybe even ducking some of your responsibilities because your heart's just not in it, but you go ahead and agree anyway

Following are the thoughts which cause us to say a YES to those requests. (1) I may disappoint others. (2) I’ll have to deal with others’ reactions. (3) I might create conflict. (4) People won’t like me. (5) I may lose my job. (6) Its just easier to say yes.

No matter how busy you are, we dutifully take more and more tasks. One of the biggest blocks we may have is the want to please others than to please the self. Think about that. The reason you say yes is often because you don’t want someone else to think badly of you.

We are afraid to tell people "NO"? For some reason, we have been taught that "no" is DISRESPECTFUL -- and even insulting. We seem to value other people's time more than our own -- feeling that we need to bend over backward to accommodate others, even if it inconveniences us. When you tell someone "no," you are really saying that you understand and accept your own LIMITS, and you value your time and priorities and aren't willing to take away from the truly important things in your life. A little selfishness is necessary, if you want to maintain a balanced and sane life!

So how do you say "NO" without insulting the other person, feeling consumed with guilt, or hurting your own credibility? We need to find a way to say "no" without dragging up all of those HIDDEN FEARS -- they'll think I'm lazy or selfish, that I have no career drive, that I'm not ambitious, that I have no concern for other people.

As I have mentioned in my previous article, we do have a set of priorities, tasks and goals. We have prepared our mission statement. We have taken pain to identify and write down our priorities. If these priorities are not met, then we are responsible for it. Not our friends or anyone. We all live a social life and we can’t live independent. Letting down others request could lead to a situation whether other let down our requests too. That is perfectly fine, since we both have identified the importance of time.

There are a few more things to be noted here. We all honestly want to do help, and thus a NO should only come if you feel it will affect your priorities and you will get overburdened. Let us consider Mr. X. He is not a person who has well defined priorities nor does he manage his time effectively. When one of his friends gives him a help request, he suddenly becomes too busy. He has many things to finish and he let down his friend’s request. There is a big difference between a fake “NO” and a genuine “NO”.

Helping mentality is always a good habit and something which everyone needs to develop.

Here comes a question – When to say NO and how to say NO ? Following are the time when we have the right to say a NO. If posed with a request, and any of the below points are matched, then go ahead and say a polite NO.

(1) When your priorities do not go along with the request. (2) When the person can do it themselves. (3) When it’s against your values and judgments. (4) If you would feel bad doing it. (5) If it would hurt you or someone else. (6) If the demand is inappropriate. (7) If you just don’t want to do it. (8) If the request is inconsiderate to you or others.

The next step is to learn the various varieties of “No” and the appropriate context to use them.

1. The Direct No – “No, I can’t help you in this task.” This simple phrase can be used any time you lack the time or the will to do something.

2. The Reflecting No – In this softer version, you acknowledge the content and feeling of the request. “I know you’ve been counting on me to help in this task, but I just can’t do it today.”

3. The Reasoned No – Give a brief and genuine reason for refusing, without opening up negotiations. “No, I can’t take up this project. I have two big projects due in March.”

4. The Broken Record No – This is used when someone is trying to wear you down by begging, flattery, or trying to sweeten the pot. It can be hard to ignore the whining, but it’s possible. It goes something like this: “I know I can do it, but I must decline it for the moment.”

5. The Pain Now or Pain Later No – This is one of the kindest things you can say if you really don’t think you have the time to do something. “I’m not sure how things will shape up with my schedule, so I’d rather say, “No,” today than have to disappoint you later, when it will be harder to find someone else.”

6. The No Sandwich – In this one, you recognize the value of the relationship, refuse the request, and thank them for asking. “I know this project is really important to you, but I just can’t see a way I can do it right now. I do appreciate your asking me.”

7. The Yes If No – This is the negotiator’s "no." You state the conditions under which you can meet the request. “Yes, I can help you with the project, but only after Sept 24 and you agree to make me the project lead.”

8. The Sleeping No – “I’ll let you know tomorrow, after I’ve had time to think.” Thinking about the request overnight will remind you that this is your decision. You may actually decide to say, “Yes.” (Courtesy: www.hodu.com)

Make sure you fully understand requests before you agree to anything. I know this is a hard one. Sometimes wanting to help can be your worst enemy and you’ll agree to something before you truly understand how it’s going to effect your time. Try and get all the facts before you start adding tasks and projects.

For any one seriously interested in mastering this habit, I suggest two books to them. How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty, by Patty Breitman and “Don't Say Yes When You Want to Say No: Making Life Right When It Feels All Wrong”, by Herbert Fensterheim and Jean Baer.

“No” is a generous thing to do. It frees us from making insincere commitments, and it ensures we commit to things we can put our hearts into. We don’t say “No” to everything; we say “Yes” to the things that matter.